4:17 a.m.

Not doing too well on the insomnia front these days.

Brain is too busy whirring around, trying to make sense of life, feelings, and irrational thoughts.

Eventually, it will get tired and I will sleep.

Eventually, tomorrow will come and feelings will subside.

Eventually, Brain will find something else to whirr on about.

On to the next!

Here I Go Again

I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises in the songs of yesterday
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
Here I go again, here I go again

Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity
And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/w/whitesnake-lyrics/here-i-go-again-lyrics.html ]

And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

But here I go again, here I go again
Here I go again, here I go

'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone

Dating

He told me he liked strong women.

He laughed when I told him that a guy friend had advised me to withhold information regarding my level of education ("some men get insecure about that, Canary")- in fact, he PSHAWED at my friend and added, for good measure, "I am turned on by your doctorate!"

He said he liked that he could turn to me, asking me for advice, that I gave him good perspective.

He said he liked that I was not a typical 'girl.'

He said he liked that I was independent.  That I was straight forward and wouldn't play games with him.

So how come...
He now makes comments about me being 'stubborn' and "close minded" when I disagree with him on a given topic but when my friends offer him advice about sushi and he says he knows better- he's neither of those things? How come now when I end up being right about something incidental (i.e. the onions rotted because you left them in a plastic bag) he seems visibly bothered, even if it's regarding topics that there is no way he would have known about. How come when he buys me chocolate and beer (that I did not ask for but he knows I like) but I just happen to not want it in that moment (i.e., I'm sick with the flu) so I say thank you so much but I just can't right now, he says "I can't do anything right by you." Hello? Are we going anywhere? Won't they stay in your fridge for the next time I want them? Did I not rave about your pasta a few nights ago?

How come I feel that I have to pretend not to know better when I do know better, shut up when I have an opinion, drink/eat when I don't feel like it, and say things I don't mean in order to not hurt his ego?

How come he can tease me and press buttons but when I unknowingly call him "sweet" (because he had done something that tugged at my heart) he says "ugh I hate that" and how it's emasculating, making me feel like I've been slapped in the face.  How come as I write this, he has sms'ed me telling me I remind him of a cousin of his who is "really cool, really smart, really independent. Fuckin venomous tongue..." and later adds that she is "unlucky in love which she passes off as independence."

I know, I know- most of you reading this (all zero of you) will want to tell me that I should try to make a guy feel better about himself, that I should choose my battles, that I shouldn't point out when he is wrong about something. And let me say to you that I already do those things! But he never seems to notice the times I say oh you're so right about that, or wow you just taught me something new, or yeah I know nothing about this topic. I was saying those things genuinely, spontaneously because hey- I am NOT always right, he does know stuff about things that I don't or thought I did, and there are loads of topics I do not know a thing about. But i am UNWILLING to start pretending any of those things when they are not true!!! I shouldn't fucking have to!!!!

Don't get me wrong.
I have lots of faults. LOTS. I am opinionated. Very. And by that I mean that I have usually analyzed any given topic already and formed an opinion of it. Hey, I'm 37... not many surprises left. But ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that even if I don't end up seeing things your way, I will always be all right to agree to disagree (I don't care to try and convince you, man. I accept we all have our versions of truth). I am the most positive person I know personally (despite the bad moments I express in writing). I am also the most non-judgemental, to the point of forgiving everyone everything because I can always see their side of things.

In the beginning he made me feel beautiful, on the outside - which is a hard thing to do because I really am not at all beautiful.

Now he makes me doubt the few things I found beautiful about me on the inside.

Insomnia brought on by others

There's insomnia, and then there's 'insomnia.'  I've been trying to correct my insomnia a few nights now- I had finally had some luck, sleeping at 3 the night before last, and managing to fall asleep a bit before 4 last night. As far as I am concerned, 3 and 4 are okay because my new jobless self can wake up at 11 ("early") and function and try to move up my wake-up and sleep-time hours a little every day/night. Hey, it's better than 7am to 2 pm...

However, it is now almost 6:15 and I am awake. Not because of my insomnia.

My brother woke me up again.

I became incensed.... as you can imagine, that's not a good formula for going back to sleep.

I haven't yet managed to go back to sleep. I tried to distract myself and that didn't work. I then composed an email to my sister, one that I will probably not send (as usual) because, at the end of the day, why spread the misery??

So I came here instead.

I will post my very badly written email to my sis so at least the venting process can be complete.

Some background info: Over ten years ago, I was living far from home. My brother was going through a divorce and my parents, in desperation, sent him to me. He had started to drink heavily and was in a depressed state. I was in graduate school and not doing so well myself. Suffice it to say that he woke me up over and over again while he was there and then on my subsequent visits home. I would dread it (as I do now) because he would be completely irrational and would make threats of suicide- all in all, it was not ever a pleasant experience and for many years thereafter I would dread him waking me up (even though he did not do so on a regular basis again - there were always isolated incidents- until just a couple of months ago for what we first assumed was an asthma attack) (it was unlike any of his previous behaviors or panic attacks) (and since then we found out there had been some medical cause. However, it has sparked this dread in me again and tonight was the first night that my fears were realized). I should add that all those years ago when he finally left and went back home, I was in such a bad state that I almost careened into a major depression and was set back in my schooling for a year.

The email with all its mistakes:

"He woke me up again, 3 times- this time he's just drunk. 3 times. I have been struggling to get myself on a good schedule, and I finally slept at 3 on Sunday and woke myself up early with the alarm clock so i could sleep tonight. tonight I had finally fallen asleep a bit before 4 (this is after his first 2 interruptions) and thirty minutes later he woke me up again...  it's like I had a cat nap and I also got so angry so  now it's 6am and I'm still awake. I tried to do other things not to think about it and then tried again to sleep but then I get angry all over again and can't sleep. So then I thought maybe if I write you about it and vent then i will sleep. Not that you don't have more than enough of your own shit to deal with. Not that there's anything you can do about it.  I did well tonight, I kicked him out each time. Only the second time he fooled me telling me 'it's urgent' so I went and it was something stupid on FB. The last time he told me he was scared but I just kicked him out and didn't go see what he was talking about. The worst part is that I'm freezing in my room but had been afraid all night to leave my door open (to use the living room heater). Every time I think about leaving my door open I have this fear I will wake up and find him in my room. tonight though i finally got so cold I finally opened my door and that's when i finally fell asleep- and that's when he came. I mean he could clearly see the lights were all off and I was asleep. I can still hear him now, he's still awake. Every time I hear his chair squeak i think he is going to come again. You don't understand how many years it took me to get over this feeling (not that I ever did, fully) and now I have it again. Wondering every night if he is going to come wake me up again. At least I am fed up and stronger now and ignore him more, but that doesn't mean he doesn't interrupt my entire night and my sleep. Now I feel guilty writing all this stuff to you and am considering erasing it. As I have done on many occasions."

And I stopped there.

I know what mentally ill looks like. I work with mentally ill. What do you do when it's in your family though, and when it impacts you and your life?

He is not taking me down with him this time.

There's insomnia, and then there's 'insomnia.'

I was fighting my insomnia but the next few days I'll be fighting the results of this 'insomnia' caused by outside forces. 6:26 a.m.

And.... post. (I hesitated)

Forever young

Today:

Little Niece hugs her grandmother. I smile in affection at them.

Little Niece: Canary, are you jealous that I hugged Grandma?

I briefly consider saying the proper thing such as "I'm happy you hugged your grandma but sure I'd love a hug as well." Instead-

Canary: Yes.

Little Niece: Ok, I'll hug you too

Little Niece proceeds to give me the longest, sweetest, hardest hug. It's been AGES since she's given me a hug like that. My heart melts. All stress, all worries, just seem to fizzle away. Her little arms around my neck, her mouth nuzzling the crook of my shoulder. There is nothing , NOTHING, like a hug from a little one with a big heart. I take a deep breath and smell her, not wanting to let go. Can I bottle this hug? Turn it into a pill? How can I hold on to it forever?

Canary: LN, are you going to always give me hugs or do you think one day you will not want to hug me anymore?

LN: I will hug you.

The innocence of the little ones. SIGH.

Even though she doesn't yet know that she may have trouble keeping this promise, I got her to agree to give me a hug once a year, on my birthday.


Yeah right!

4:18 a.m., sleepless again (despite the fact that yesterday I didn't sleep at all - not until 7 am this morning).

Happy Birthday...

I no longer know what is imagined and what is real...

I remember being young- 5 or so? waiting anxiously for Santa, who would deliver our gifts, and then the excitement of that, ripping presents open....

And then I remember being woken up in the middle of the night. I'm no longer sure what it was- voices? or did someone come wake my sister and me up? I seem to remember someone knocking on our house door and we were woken up one by one. We heard that he was in a car accident. that he was in the hospital. I remember sitting in front of my television, imagining him walking in with a cast. He was my cool older first cousin, who teased me a lot. He was gorgeous, and extremely smart. He was home for Christmas, had gone out with his friends. He and his family lived upstairs from us- we were, in reality, one family. As I watched TV to distract myself, I remembered doing the same thing when my dog had been in a fight with a dog 20 times his size (no joke)... I wasn't allowed to go to the vet with him and had to wait at home. It turned out that my dog was fine, after some surgery and major stitches.

My cousin, however, was not. They finally told us he had died.
His younger brother and I were inseparable, best friends, like siblings. He was in a daze.

I was 12 or 13. His brother, less than a year younger than I. I remember that Christmas - just 5 days away- was 'canceled.' I remember that we had people over, and that I was so angry at them- Who did they think they were, forcing themselves on my family when all we wanted was to be left alone? We had to hire a waiter just to help serve, because the society deemed it the thing to do. This made my blood boil.

And yet, I was just a kid. One day (I cannot remember how much time had passed, but I believe it was still while we were on holiday, not at school) his brother and I were outside and I laughed about something, I don't remember what.  His brother turned around and said to me "you're acting like nothing happened." And I responded....  i still feel terrible terrible horrible that i said this.... "well life goes on, you know."

I still cringe with guilt. I know, I know that I was just a kid. But still... what a horrible thing to say! Life goes on...

I wish I could say that younger me was already smart, already knew something about the world. No. It was just a selfish, self-centered thing to say, as kids of that age often do.

I believe that I remember the betrayal in his eyes.

For years afterwards, Christmas was a non-holiday. Every year we would go to church... not to celebrate the birth of christ or whoever, but to remember the death of my cousin. My mother wore black for years, my aunt for many more.

This non- celebration seemed to leech into everything else, or so I believe because I cannot remember ever celebrating birthdays with the family other than a quiet dinner. I don't remember birthday presents either.

It took over 10 years for my sister and I to decide that we were going to take back Christmas. We started to buy each other presents again and to slowly put up decorations. By this point we were in college and the parents did not object.

The thing is, I still can't stand Christmas. Obviously, it has been associated with very bad times for me. But I also don't like the chaos, the superficiality, the materialistic aspect of it. We now celebrate it for the kids in our lives but it bothers me that they do not seem to appreciate their gifts- that they feel unsatisfied with the holiday (or so I see).  And please, let's not discuss Christmas music. I hate it.

And I could really do without the whole New Year's Eve celebration. Some of my favorite new year's eves were spent BY MYSELF at home. no kidding. I've since had some fun New Year's Eves and i still feel that I'd rather by on my own.

This year, especially, I thought a lot about my cousin. I wanted to go to the cemetary and visit. I got lazy and didn't. However, on the 1st of January I took a moment out to think how... he would have turned 46 that day.


...4:42 a.m.

Confession

Even though nobody is reading these, and even though I'm writing them under an assumed name...
I can't fully let go and I can't fully open up. I keep imagining someone from my real life discovering this blog...

How do other bloggers jump in and let go? How do they not worry about some internet backdoor/loophole that will expose them?