Umm... I don't know.

As usual... life is throwing me a curveball.  Just when I found something to be excited about (last week finally started to decorate my own office).... bad news comes rearing it's head (part-time job that was meant to support "the biz" will be disappearing in 2 months or so).  I don't know. I don't know what's worse- the fact that I am learning to expect these punches or the fact that I bounce back quickly from them. Not that I can tell you, in reality, how OK or not I am with all this. I may be walking down the stairs of the house and start to cry for about 5 seconds... then my tears dry up and I am laughing at myself and totally engaged in the next thing I am doing. I am starting to feel very confused. I don't know how I am feeling and I don't know how I should be feeling. Sometimes I feel I am very justified in being pissed off at the world and wanting to say "fuck it all, I am the unluckiest person on the planet" and then two minutes later I think wow, Canary, how dare you be ungrateful for all you have, for not being out on the  street, for having your health, for having several people who you can turn to and who care about you. Is it fair to me? Not allowing myself to be angry? Or is it good to remind myself that I have a lot to be thankful for? Is being grateful taking away from my RIGHT to be upset? I do that a lot, that's why I ask. Sometimes I have to argue with my own self in order to allow myself to be (in my opinion- appropriately) pissed off at people, to expect more of them, to ASK for more from them.

I don't know.

And next time I write, I really have to tell you (me) all about the romantic headache I am currently in.

Yes, commitment-phobe Canary is in the most commitment-able situation possible (short of marriage and kids) (and living with someone) (and being engaged) (and actually being in a real relationship). (short of all that- major commitment).