No words

He's woken me up again.
I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically.

He talks to me about his problems with our Dad. He's my Dad too.
All these years I've listened and sympathized. I no longer can.
I say: Get over it.
I can't believe I, me Canary, am saying this. But you know- sometimes you just can't help it.
Get over it.
How come I hobble along in life, how come I have to deal with reality, how come I feel guilty when I feel sorry for myself. Who are YOU to complain to ME. We are adults. We can no longer use the past as the excuse to not live. Yes, the past is always a part of you, yes it shapes you, yes it drives you, yes it affects you and sometimes all that subconsciously. But there comes a point when you just have to say: I am an adult and I want to change my life. And then you at least try to do something about it.

I feel that I am in need of psychological support- I've got things I'd like to (and should) explore but I don't because I can't afford it and I refuse to allow my parents to pay. And yet- they pay for his, have done so for years and years and years. Me, I hobble along, resentfully so, until I set as a goal that some day I will afford these things for myself because that's how it should be.

It is now 4:20 a.m. IF he doesn't come to me again, I may be able to sleep in an hour or so because I am exhausted. Tomorrow, however, is spoiled.

Tomorrow, again, is NOT MINE.

I have to stop feeling this way because obviously I have chosen a life that is ME+OTHERS and somehow I keep doing it. I need to move away because the daily exposure has been steadily chipping away at my boundaries.

But I can't move away. Enter- stage left- Canary's other problems. No, no time for them now- Exit stage right please.

By the way, I slept 0 minutes last time I posted. I completed school runs and then finally slept 2 hours in the morning.