Moments of thought...

I've always believed in moments. Moments of peace, moments of happiness, moments of good vibes. I've always believed in the importance of appreciating those moments because I believe that they are infrequent and hard to focus on. Life is so full of negativity and bad news so I've always advocated that it's the MOMENTS that are to save us from drowning.

Today, however, I'm going to deviate from that philosophy because today, for me, has to do with my inability to give myself any moments at all because, in all likelihood, my moments will sadden me, my moments will cause my heart rate to speed up, my moments will send a rock of emotions into my stomach...  My moments will not be good ones. They will make me hate myself, they will make me wonder why I've become such a self-pitier. And that is why I haven't been writing here: because I didn't want to see more of THAT person. The thing is, whether I like to face it or not, this is who I am these days. If I allow myself to stop for even one MOMENT, fear and anxiety come crashing in. I inevitably think about my reality and right now, its just not a great one. I am healthy and so so so grateful for that, but the state of my every day life and that of my career and that of my finances just... well, FREAKS ME OUT.  I have no idea how to get out of the mess I'm in.

There are times, moments, when I am not really thinking about anything but also not numbing my mind with videos, when I find myself crying. Not sobbing type of crying, but just tears running down my face.

How how how how am I HERE?

How how how how can I find myself?

I guess there must be good moments, and those are where I have to start.
The catch? in order to remember those moments, I have to allow myself to think, to 'be.'
And right now? right now that just seems like way too big a risk to take.

So off I go, back to watching something until I literally can't keep my eyes open anymore- in hopes that when I finally close the light, there won't be a single moment open where I will find myself wondering how I ever became the person I am today and how THIS LIFE could possibly be mine?

I guess I should find some hope in that, even as I'm writing this, there still IS a voice inside of me saying 'aren't you ashamed of yourself, Canary? how can you not be grateful for xyz?'

I am, I am grateful for some things. But so utterly shocked and demoralized and disappointed by so many other things.

Today the scale tips over to the dark side. As it has done day after day (night after night) for quite a while now.

3:15 a.m....