Hope dies last

Today I came home from meeting with my lawyer regarding my work issues, and getting the proper paperwork to practice.  Its been 6 years of waiting, six years of trying to get answers, six years of one blow after another, six years of wasting time, and yet I somehow manage to walk into these meetings with some little bit of hope.

Why am I so stupid?

Why don't I learn?

I talk a good game and I try to prepare myself, and yet I realize afterward how much of my life I've left hanging in hopes that this next meeting will actually resolve some issues for me.

How much of my life I've wasted...

How much?????
So much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I first decided I wanted to be when I was 14. FOURTEEN!!!! and here I am, now closer to 40 and I'm still trying to have a career!!

Whilst studying, I gave up EVERYthing - my health, my social life, my romantic life...  I got out of it and when I looked back I felt that I had just come out of some black hole, I couldn't tell where the years behind me went to.  The good thing is that these last few years have been better, much better. But I think that part of the problem is not only these last 6 years of waiting for some of the legal issues to change (since, I must admit, I managed to live it up in these 6 years) ... but its now wondering how I so misjudged who and what I wanted to be and do... and how much time I wasted in trying to get there... all for NAUGHT!!!

I keep trying to rally my thoughts, and say that nothing is a waste... I studied something I love... that career isn't everything and I could have easily lived somewhere else where I hate the life but yes, have a career. But I wouldn't be here!!! And that's not something  I could accept. However, I'm slowly trying to wrap my head around this idea, because I'm not sure that I have any other options. Because i might love where I live, but in order to enjoy it , and to do pretty much everything, I need to make a living and I'm really not qualified for anything else.

Well, we'll see. All I know is that once again writing has worked its magic, and has taken me from tears to (probably foolishly) feeling some stirrings of hope again.

It probably won't last long.
:-p