Happy New Year

Well its 4 a.m. and I was just about to settle down and turn the light off about 15 minutes ago when the house alarm went off... So, I find myself (sort of) awake and feeling that itch to write again...

Happy New Year!
hmm....
I've been waiting for this year to come (well, its more like I've been waiting for the last year to end). Last year began with a deep feeling inside of me that told me it was going to be a terrible year. And so it was. Which came first? The conviction or the facts? I entered the year knowing that I was going to lose a part-time job that was very important to me in a million ways. I entered last year knowing that I was going to end up broke, in debt (for the first time in my life), a court case, and having to determine how the hell I was going to move forward.

And was it really so bad?
YES.
Yes, it has to have been bad. Yes, I must say its bad. Yes, damn it, yes it was bad. Because if I say it wasn't THAT bad.... that means that I've come habituated to this half and half life... This life where I sit around every day, being unproductive, doing nothing, creating nothing. accomplishing nothing, being nothing.
And I can't accept that. I can't have come so far from who I thought I was, from who I was supposed to be, from who I WANT to be.

This New Year's Eve someone asked me about New Year's resolutions. I haven't made any in... I don't even know how long its been. Two popped into my mind... both so common and cheesy for such completely opposite reasons. I told her I want to lose weight, and figure out where my life is going.
One so stupid, and one so MASSIVE.

And yet, it has to be those things. The first because I seriously have no clothes to wear and no money to buy a new wardrobe. And the second because I cannot live like this anymore. I have to know where I'm going. At least an idea for the next year dammit, if not for the next FEW years.  I have to know who I'm going to try to be (career-wise). I have to stop living in limbo.
And I have to stop saying "I have to" and start saying "I want to".
Because I need to do this. I need to move on in my life and stop intentionally pinning myself down. I portray myself as someone who strives for freedom and independence, for space and choice and yet I've cornered myself and have none of those things and no way to get any of those things. Obviously somewhere inside me I don't want those things for myself, for whatever reason(s) and I'm not going to analyze that in this very post. All I know is that I want to be able to stop hiding behind anonymous words, and finally be able to answer emails and phone calls and questions - instead of avoiding all of the above just so that I don't have to say (yet again) 'there's nothing new in my life; no, I really don't have a job; no, I am still not practicing as I've never found a way to resolve the legal issues; yes.... I'm still a loser.'

And yes, I don't like to toss and turn in my bed at night because these thoughts will creep up on me.
And sometimes I think they SHOULD because only then might I move forward.

This... THIS, my Dear Reader, this is second best because in writing I find my salvation, my answers, my motivation and my sanity. Maybe some honest writing will help.

Maybe.

{I need to whisper to you... last year was not THAT bad...}